the real beginning

If you happened to be up relatively late last night, you would have seen my actual first post, which has since been marked as a private entry. Stuff like that tends to happen when I’m up late night drinking a beer on an empty stomach. Anyway, to sum up the pertinent information in that post, I’ve basically decided to start writing here because I feel like I need a new start blogwise, and lifewise, really. I’ve become a bit of a bummer lately, and I feel like my life needs to change a bit. For better or for worse, what happens from now on will be documented here, rather than through the traditional myspace/xanga means.

I guess the eventual goal is to get off of the wordpress.com servers and on to some kind of jayzer-oriented domain. That happens one day when I actually have extra cash to spend. We’ll see..

Anyway, tonight’s topic? Why I’m afraid to let anyone become too much a part of my life anymore.

I once told Jennifer (the girl I call my ex-girlfriend, even 6 years later, just because it makes me feel better about myself for actually having some sort of an ex) near the end of our pseudo-relationship that it would benefit me to have my heart broken. Up to that point in my life I had never been broken up with (and I guess I technically still haven’t), and I figured, on some level, that it would be to my benefit to know what it feels like to have my heart seriously broken.

After having my heart broken, I officially retract that statement. For someone like me, who constantly seeks validation (more on that some other night), it was something I was not as prepared for as I somehow thought I was. I’m not going to go into the details here, because I really think that most of the people who care enough to know, already do know, and I’m hesitant to get too much more personal than I’ve already started to do here.

Moving on. Here’s why I’m afraid to get too close to anyone anymore:

When, throughout your day, you experience things (even things that have not much more relevance other than that it reminds you of a certain person) and immediately mark them in your head for your retrieval later, so as to relate them to this certain person to whom you were reminded when you experienced the thing in the first place (what a convoluted sentence, eh?), there’s obviously some sort of amazing connection involved. I think everyone can agree there. Though I’ve never been in a serious relationship, I almost feel like I might know part of what it feels like to be in one, if only through this seemingly meaningless sequence of events that occurred daily. This is what happened to me over basically the last two years of my life, give or take a month (take a month, actually). It was great while it lasted, but now that it seems that this connection cannot be anymore, I find myself reaching for my cell phone, only to close it soon after and wonder what I was thinking in the first place.

This seemingly insignificant part of my life, is, I’m discovering, bigger than I could have ever imagined. And that’s what makes it hard to let go.

I’m afraid to have someone else in my life who I will allow to affect my mood in such a way that this person has. That is, even with simplest message of disinterest. I don’t know that (being as emotional as I can be sometimes) I can allow this happen again. I know that I have to, because hey, it’s life…but I’m not all too keen on setting myself up for failure yet again. There’s hope. Bertman always said, “set yourself up for success”, and yes, it obviously applies in drum corps. Very much so. But like many things learned in drum corps, it has a much wider application. Somehow, some time in the future, I hope I can, indeed, set myself up for success. But until then, I’m afraid. Too afraid.

That’s all for tonight. To be more clear, I want the people who read this to know that I’m writing through this medium not with any hidden agenda. I’m writing mostly because it’s just something that I like to do, and it helps me clear my head and deal with things in better ways.

And this place is pretty, too…

At least I think so.

-jayzer